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♥ Life-tale of HER.


Sunday, August 5, 2007
_______________________________________


Tell me. What am I suppose to do ? Is there something wrong with me?

I've been tolerating. A lot. I tried many many ways to conquer my feelings but all I get is hurting myself more than ever.

What shall I do?

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Shall I just forget that it never happened ? Or shall I just end all this.

The longer you know a person, you'll realize their true self. I guess it's expected that you'll get used to it because you've been close with em'. The feeling with her is different. People whom she just met gave much better impression towards her instead of someone who had known her for ages.

People change or are they under their mask for so long?

I told myself soooo many times to judge a person through their positive side so that it wouldn't be so hard for me. I tried and tried.. telling myself so bloody many times but I just can't. I forced myself over and over again but I just can't. I seem to hurt myself so so much.

Can you read my mind? Can you understand what I'm going through? It's not that I don't want to tolerate but.. there's always a limit when tolerating someone. When it exceeds.. I don't even wanna think about it. It's like a balloon. You blow and blow and it expands.. but if there's too much air inside.. it'll burst.

I'm still looking for the factors affecting her. Is it because of someone sitting next to her in class that basically influenced her?

I thought of that many many times but my conclusion is that.. she's like that..

Bagai kacang lupakan kulit.

I've sacrificed so much for this friendship but once she decided to break our friendship for someone who didn't even do anything to her, hardly be there for her when she needed someone, sms her, being with her in school , etc. At that particular moment, I was so hurt. Very Very Very hurt. I was shocked with her reaction of being just "normal friends". I felt as if what i've done all these while.. was all bullcrap to her. Am I being used here? Am I being used to jealous her ex-bestfriend ? I'm still wondering. Hopefully not.

When there's new people mixing around with her, she'll just ignore me, just forget about me. When she's alone, not occupied, she'll come to me. Am I not being used?

I had a dream last night. A dream that I wish all my life that it wouldn't happen. I seem to burst like the ballon. I quarelled with her, letting her know everything, how I felt all these while. I sms-ed her this morning and told her about it and... her answer was.. hopefully it wouldn't happen.

But, I don't wish all our memories would just disappear like the wind blows.. She's my bestfriend and I know I have to accpet whatever or whoever she is. Nobody's perfect and I truly understand that. I just wish I have a way to like her, to find a reason.. so that I could just forget about what she had done to me.


9:24 PM